From 4-6! Part 2

I’m picking up this blog post from the last one titled From 4-6, so go check that one out if you haven’t read it.

The next few months were a wild blur of stress, grief, new challenges and leaning on friends, family and God. While gathering my thoughts on how to write this ‘part 2’ I looked through my calendar to help me remember all the things that were going on. I had been writing down all our family activities, and significant dates in this calendar to organize ourselves and just looking at it makes my heart race!

Jeff and I always had a rule that we would only take one foster child at a time. When we made that rule for ourselves it was to give us a guidelines/boundaries in order to protect our sanity and the health and wellbeing of our family. When both boys came into care I couldn’t imagine a scenario where we said yes to one and not the other. I was terrified of looking back on that decision and feeling guilty that we didn’t try both boys together. So we did it and I can say those next 7 months were really really hard. I think those months were the hardest Jeff and I have ever gone through as a couple and family. I’m sure that when Jeff and I experience our next time of trial we will look back on this time and say ‘well if we did that, we can do this’.

Welcoming our little guy back was quite easy. His first night back he ran to his room and crawled into bed and slept 14 hours straight. He acted like he never left and we seemed to pick up where we left off. Welcoming his little brother was quite different. He had been separated from his mom and he knew it. At the time he was 18 months old. I have had many people say they would never foster a teenager because of all the ‘baggage and challenges’ they could come with. From my experience an 18 month old can be just as challenging. For his privacy and his families privacy I won’t and can’t go into all of the struggles. I can say the next 7 months were full of medical appointments of various kinds, sleepless nights and adjustments for everyone.

Jumping ahead to April I was told the long term goal for little brother, if he couldn’t be back with his mom, was to be with another family member of his. He had a different long term goal than our little guy. Again, if you have heard of the phrase ‘the system is broken’ here is another example of that. For 7 months we had him in our care when we were never the goal or even the second option. I advocated for him to go with this other family member. If we weren’t the goal, I didn’t think it was in his best interest to be bonding and connecting with us when he could be bonding and connecting with other family that were his actual long term goal. In April little brother had visits and we worked with them on the transition. We gave all his toys and clothes he had collected in the few months he had been here. We gave them the crib we had been blessed with. We packed up all the diapers and wipes. I wrote a little blurb about his routines and things he enjoys. We had a family lunch after church one day to say our goodbyes. Little brother still goes to the same daycare as the other kids. The kids get to see him every day and this has been very healing and healthy for them. Jeff and I don’t get to see him as often due to the drop off and pick up schedule at daycare but I have given him a few hugs since April. He still calls me ‘momma’ which breaks my heart each time, but he also doesn’t have another name for me and so I remind myself of that each time.

I noted earlier I was terrified of the guilt of not saying ‘yes’ to the little brother. @fosterthefamilyblog has been an amazing source of support and encouragement for me. She was able to point out what I was really going through. I was and still am at times struggling with ‘savior mentality’. This is not new for me. After our first placement left (we called him little guy and he moved to Toronto) we were waiting for our next placement. At one point during a phone call from our social worker, she presented 4 children all needing a home at that moment. I remember feeling totally immobilized by the idea that so many children close to home needed somewhere safe to be and we could only help one. Fast forward to little brother and I was feeling that all over again. @fosterthefamilyblog says we can approach foster care and adoption without a savior mentality.

 “Acknowledging and remembering and reorientating to the reality that we have far more in common with the saved than the Savior. That we are more like the helped, than the Helper; more like the fatherless, than the Father. That before being grace givers, we are grace getters. Before being mercy dealers, we are mercy receivers. That we are first, ourselves, inherently needy and desperately in need. Mostly all that we have is from Him, any love we show comes through Him, the best we can do is lead to Him, and its all really for Him.”

As we go into permanency planning with our little guy, I am going to work hard on remembering the above. None of this is about us. All of it is really for Him. He is why we are fostering and saying ‘yes’ to children. Any love we show through this situation comes through Him because He loves us first.