We're Home!

We have been home from Toronto for 9 days now. Right when we got back we hopped in the car with the kids and went to Calgary for a holiday, so we have actually only been home for two days. The holiday in Calgary was a really good choice. It was a good distraction from the heartache we were feeling and was something fun for the four of us to do together.

The two days since we have been home have been quiet and a little weird. I did some laundry and found an outfit that didn't make it into our little guys suitcase. I went into the yard and saw the little table and chairs we had set up for him to eat at during his going away party. I went into his room and saw the gigantic stuffed dog we couldn't send with him because it didn't fit. Walking past his empty room is hard, I've closed the door. I sat down and looked through some pictures on my phone and saw picture after picture of him. All the memories are so precious, but bring along with it some heartache. We miss him.

The week we spent in Toronto was very good. Our little guy had so much fun exploring the city and his new house. He had a lot of excitement. This wasn't without its struggles. His first sleep there was scary for him as he wanted to sleep at the hotel with us. Watching him cry and be scared broke my heart. The drop off at the airport nearly killed me. As we were driving there he told me he had a tummy ache, a true sign for him that he was stressed. I gave him a big hug and told him I was going to call and do facetime and check in to make sure he was growing big and strong. His response was he was going to call and facetime me to make sure Jace and Jemma were growing big and strong too. I nearly started sobbing right then and there. Instead I quickly gave him my biggest brave fake smile, one last hug and kiss and hopped out of the car and waited until they drove away before I broke down. Breaking down at the Toronto International Airport isn't that fun.

I am so happy for him to be with his biological family. I was able to watch him interact with his two brothers, something none of them have ever done all together before. It was so cool. Being a part of that family reunion was something I will hold close to my heart forever. All of this is such a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts. I am so happy for him, but I miss him and wish he was here causing his usual havoc but then as soon as I think that I also think he is where he needs to be and we served our purpose. I've read before that foster care at its core is a bridge. A bridge to either forever family or original family. Our role is to get them to where they need to be. We did that. It was a long and bumpy bridge but we did it. I keep waiting to hear the "well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many thing. Come and share your master's happiness!" Matthew 25:23. Truthfully though, I haven't heard it yet from Him and I don't feel it. I feel relief and my mental load is definitely lighter, but I haven't sat down and spent time talking to Him about our next steps or how He thinks we did. It has also been very clear to me lately we had a really really good first foster care experience. I know we may not have such a good healthy relationship with birth family again. I know we may not get to be such a big part of transitioning a child like we did this time. We may not have an opportunity

to bond so deeply with future children. There are so many unknowns! Like I said, its a mixed bag of emotions and thoughts!

I know we will accept another placement, but I don't know when. Right now we are enjoying being back to our family of four and going to take the rest of the summer before we start getting ready for another placement. We need some time to miss our little guy and get back on track!

Thank you for your prayers and for the friends who brought by a gift, for the friends who texted and asked how we were doing. Thank you to everyone who messaged on instagram checking in also! You guys are the best!